958 words of a brain dump that went from about my mom to about my “friend” in the last like three sentences
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So I like physical touch. It is in fact my love language. But when you are gonna take me to a family reunion once a year and make me talk to people that I only see once a year then we got some beef. Like. As much as I love hugs I would like them when I want them not when I am saying goodbye to someone I see like once maybe twice a year do you understand me??? LIke why do parents do this. I would rather not hug my sister but like… you make me. I am a teenager and I like my space and there are reasons I don’t tell you anything. Like you get on to me for everything I do it seems and you wonder why I dont tell you stuff. Good Lord. Like why is it so illegal for me to be insecure and then the one time I’m actually gonna branch out and wear a bikini you wont let me and then I’m scared to ask you about getting a top if I’ll pay you back because it’s a crop top like jeez at this point I’m scared to ask you anything out of fear of backlash. You have no idea what is going on inside my head. The struggles I face daily that you dont even have a clue are happening. I don’t wanna deal with my brain being so frickin active all the time but you know I mean, I can’t bounce my leg either because you can feel it all the way on the other end of the couch. I cant flip my water bottle because I need something to do with my hands. I have tried voiing this stuff to you multiple times but you never listen. And on the outside, everything is a-okay! When in reality, I’m not. my brain never s huts up and I would LOVE if I could get a break from my thoughts. Music is keepingme sane at this point and you wont let me have my earbuds in when I need them the most and again I cant explain this to you because I don’t want you to go off on me. Like I cant even hardly tell you I had a horrible day at school without you saying I did something “wrong”. Its frickin stupid. I have my own methods of calming myself down and you say " if you were humming loud enough for the teacher to hear you you were humming too loud" like no. If I have trouble regulating my tone and volume and speed in which I talk when I’m having a conversation then I cant help that. And I also cant help if I get distracted easy or forget things exist like I’m sorry im frickin human okay. I dont have your brain. I dont function the same way you do. Therefore if I talk about characters as if they are real that doent mean you have to come and rain on my parade by saying theey aint like I know this but they feel real. Don’t discredit my feelings in the moment if I’m not- if i dont even know how I feel or am moody or whatever because in retrospect it wasnt an important thing to cry over but it’s important in the moment like if I feel horrible because youre making me put my phone up and I’m helping a friend there’s a chance imma cry like thats the way I work and when start helping someone Im gonna keep helping them until I finish because otherwise I feel like a horrible human being. and if I dont do it at that exact moment i am going to forget about it 99% of the time. And you cant just throw something at me without like taking me step by step through it or I’m gonna be like what and be confused and proceed to have a mini crisis. like i just got comfortable telling people im confused because good Lord I am confused like 99% of the time. I swear it feels like I cant even breathe without being criticised sometimes like I genuinely forgot that that stuff existed. I genuinely do not remember that one talk we had months ago out of all the talks we’ve had and you complain when I ask WHICH ONE. Jeez camp is gonna be such a relief when my parents can actually get off my back like oh my gosh you dont understand how many times ive gone into a downward thought spiral because of you. I should feel comfortable telling you someone called one of the people I am closest to a “sexist, mysoginistc, bastard” Like I should feel comfortable telling you this but because he said bastard and I am not allowed to cuss I am scared youre gonna get mad at me. I should not be scared to tell you that some dude said to me as I was walking back to the lunch table from the bathroom “shake that ass for a drink” for the same reason I am scared to tell you what my quote unquote “friend” said about the person I like. Like I get that you dont like him for whatever reason but that dont give you no excuse to say that stuff to me and basically chastise me and make me feel like a literal child for liking him like i dnt know what makes you think that is okay because it is not I mean and you had the AUDACITY to say TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND that you wouldnt care if the same or similar things were said to her abt you or vice versa like WHERES THE LOGIC???
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I am so sorry if you read all of that
. And I know that this probably doesn’t mean anything since I am a total stranger, but you will get through this and we are always here to help.
I’m reading this at 2:15 am and i completely understand, i feel like i go through similar things alot, but man, you don’t deserve to feel this way. And i know that we are “just teenagers”, but teens have feelings that matter too that need to be expressed and listened to. I hope this resolves for you soon 