all right, so, iām gonna say it upfront: iāve never been great with words or expressing how i feel. iām sorry if this comes off the wrong way to anyone; i promise that wasnāt my intention. also a warning: iām also gonna discuss (the topic of) su1cide pretty heavily in this. not anything graphic, mostly just in terms of the emotions attached to it, i think
(i do mention a few people towards the end, but this letter is meant for everyone)
i know that by the time that you get to the point of active su1cidal ideation, the standard positive phrases just donāt seem to work anymore, because you genuinely donāt believe them. itās cold, lonely, and it really does feel like death is the only way out.
but, as many times as youāve probably heard this already, i can promise you thatās not the case. it may seem like a hell of a narrow path, but there is always another way out.
and hereās where i start to ramble. hopefully this will kind of make sense:
about three years ago, back in the sixth grade, i had to write (some of) a novel for english. in my shitty divergent knock-off, i tried to explore the idea of existence in general; would things be any different if some people had never existed? would the world be exactly the same? who really mattered, in the grand scheme of things?
(ā¦this is also about the time that my mental health began to decline pretty rapidly, which probably tied into the themes. covid-19 was rough)
anyways, it was hard to write. the more i wrote, the more contradictory it got. in trying to prove that my characters didnāt matter, i did the exact opposite: they mattered to each other, and to the world as a whole. their existence was what was keeping the entire āoperationā afloat to begin with. if they had never existed, the story wouldnāt have happened, and the future wouldāve played out differently. it was a flawed concept.
that being said, iāve come to the conclusion that everyone has absolutely influenced other people. online, in person, wherever. thereās something about the collective as a concept. everyone has a presence of some kind; at school, for example, even if you donāt fit into a specific ārole,ā you still have a place. the students whose desks surround yours, those you pass in the halls every day, and those who share the lockers around yours, all know your presence. so much so that, if you were to vanish, theyād notice. i can assure you that at least some of them would.
you are so, so much more than just your physical person. youāre the things you enjoy, the things youāve made, your ideas, and everything else. and, the thing is, you can shape who you want to be. so long as you can still watch the sun rise, you can still see change in your life. as long as youāre surviving, you still have a chance.
please stay alive. keep living, even if that just means surviving. even if youāre just scraping by, day-to-day. death is a scarily permanent āsolutionā ā and in the end, it only passes the pain on to someone else. you are not selfish for wanting to live or die. please just stay alive.
star, vees/slug, n, and h (though you arenāt on here): iām thinking about you. iāll keep thinking about you. i hope that you can find the help that you need; weāre rooting for you
(okay, itās pretty late and iāve got stuff to do tmrw, so i think itās about time i go to sleepā¦ sorry about the long-winded 12am post. hopefully it makes some sort of sense lol)
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