Why?/I have no name for this (poem)

It’s all coming back

The thoughts I fought to hard to keep away

The tears I suppressed even further down

They’re all coming up to bother me

I broke out into tears when I seen a picture of you.

I don’t want to be like this.

I got told “everyone with bipolar are monsters”.

As for someone at risk for it,

It bothers me deeply to be told that

Or even have people think about it

Overhearing it makes me upset,

Why do people see them as monsters?

Why do people associate them with bad things?

Why?

Not everyone is the same

Not everything that’s associated with something bad

Means that it’s bad

Means that it’s downright terrible and everyone acts like that

People even do say that when someone’s struggling

And call them an attention seeker because people use it for attention,

Not everyone is the same.

All these mentors and feelings I fought so hard to keep away,

Are a burden to me

They are like the rock tied to my legs as I drown in the lake

They are keeping me from doing my best

Am I even doing my best?

This seems to be like a constant loop for me

It happens all the time around this year,

I thought I was doing better

But now I’m thinking about just disappearing

I seen someone I once new,

I seen someone who passed in February and I can’t seem to get past either

I’m so full of myself,

Expecting me to be done grieving the loss of you

But I can’t seem to be done with it.

I fought so hard to keep these feelings away

Just for them to come up like this.

Why?

I don’t want to be here anymore,

Yet I’m too afraid to end it.

I’ll keep judging myself,

And suffering.

Just because I can’t bear to do something about how I feel.

How pathetic of me.

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